Dear guys and potential future dates:

I (and loads of other women) would appreciate it if you could refrain from the following behaviors:

1. Commentary about how I should fix my hair (e.g. "why don't you straighten it?"; "don't you know they make products for curly hair?"; "it's too/so crazy and frizzy, have you tried __________?" and my all-time favorite-- "your hair looks like pubes.")

News flash: my hair has a coarse texture due to my mixed racial ancestry. Please accept that and respect it.

Such commentary tells me that you think there is something WRONG with my hair in its natural state, and makes me feel self-conscious. Go date girls with hair you find attractive instead of trying to change mine. It's insulting.

2. Telling me to relax/that I'm 'overreacting' when I don't find your sexist/racist jokes funny or when I call someone out for saying/doing something sexist/racist

In essence, you are saying that my reaction to your action is not legitimate, that I have no right to be upset, instead of reflecting on your own behavior. The least you can do is respect that I have a right to feel and think the way I do instead of trying to change it.

For the record, the best way to aggravate a person who is upset is to tell them to relax/tell them they're overreacting. I dare you to try it out on your other friends if you don't believe me.

3. Calling me a "feminazi" or telling me to "go to the kitchen" when the fact that I am a feminist comes up in conversation

How original! Way to totally respect my strongly-held values by automatically dismissing and dissing them! It's, like, totally okay, because it's a "joke"! I guess that means I can call you a "loser geek" if you happen to like video games, or call you a "Bible-thumper" or "Jesus Freak" when you identify as Christian, because I "really don't mean it and it's just a joke". Wow, all of the sudden that doesn't seem so funny, huh?

4. Jokes about sexually degrading acts towards women (e.g. the "donkey punch", "the Pirate", or any type of rape joke)

In which case I will bring up the "Lorena Bobbitt" -- when a woman cuts off a man's penis with a knife in a rage! Ha ha ha! /snark
Not funny, especially given the commonality of sexual degradation of and violence against women in our society.
Fastest way for me to lose all respect for you.

5(a). In relation to #1, telling me to dress/look a specific way because it's "sexy".

[Note: I am not referring to you pointing out something at a store and saying you think it would look good on me. I am referring to the criticism of my own casual style and the consistent pressure for me to change my appearance.]

Despite what we've all been taught by society, women DON'T owe it to you to look attractive/cute/sexy in your presence. It shouldn't be our job to look "attractive" (typically defined by the lowest # of standard deviations from a Maxim model) 24/7. Generally it plays out as such since no one really questions the status quo and there are disproportionate social pressures on women's appearances to the pressures on men's; looks in this culture are a woman's primary asset. Personally, I have better shit to worry about.

If my resistance to this really bothers you, do us both a favor and date/hang out with the girls who DO feel that is their job, instead of trying to get me to succumb to the beauty standard and current fashion trends. I get dressed up when I want to, and dress down when I want to. Accept that and respect it.

5(b). Negative/critical commentary on my body.

It is astounding to me how many guys see nothing wrong with criticizing the body of the woman they are dating, and to make open, unsolicited commentary on women's bodies in general.

First of all, it's fucking rude.

Secondly, it wears down our self-esteem, even if we hide it. Why do you think so many women are constantly fretting about their weight and make-up? It sure as hell isn't because we're 'naturally' vain. We get this pressure from everywhere; we certainly don't need to hear it from someone who is supposed to care about us or someone who supposedly finds us attractive. What if everyday, you saw pictures of celebrity MEN on the tabloids that scrutinized their beer bellies and receding hairlines and stupid haircuts and their shortness and hairy chests and backs and unibrows and bad teeth and patchy facial hair and white hair and wrinkles and warts and lazy eyes and scrawny arms, etc.? And the girls you dated thought it was perfectly acceptable to tell you to lose weight, or that your favorite t-shirt doesn't fit you well anymore, or that your body is disproportionate, or why you don't go to the gym and lift weights like the other guys, or that you have a big forehead, or that you have hobbit feet?

Don't try to defend your tactlessness as "honesty." Sometimes silence is golden. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. This goes back to 5(a)--it is not our job to make ourselves the perfection of your beauty standards. And even if you don't feel that way, and you think you're just making a neutral observation, don't. What good is going to come from a comment like that? Do you expect her to "fix" it? All it will do is make her feel self-conscious about that trait, which will make her sad and/or cranky and not fun to be with, and that will bring you both down.

I understand that sometimes, people ask each other for feedback on how they look in something. Be careful with your phrasing. Positive reinforcement, like saying that a specific type of style or color fits them better, instead of saying that something makes them look pale/fat/bad, is a much better approach. When commentary on appearance isn't solicited, don't volunteer it (unless it's a genuine compliment, of course).


*****************************

All these things basically boil down to respect. When guys do these things to me--and to the girls they date-- they are disrespecting the way we look and the things we believe. So many of the women I've shared these annoyances with confide that similar things have happened to them. So much so that I'm considering writing a book about it, because it seems to be a common social pattern and not just individual cases of random jerks.
A lot of these things have come from guys that I hang out with or date and whom I find very cool people overall. It just kills me when these things come up because it is not easy to dismiss these men altogether sometimes.

This weekend I've had several people say "happy Easter!" to me. While I appreciate the sentiment of good wishes, it bothers me a bit that people assume that I'm Christian, or even religious at all.

I'm not going to be a bitch about it and tell every single person that "thanks but I'm not religious," but it does have me thinking. I mean I know people throw around a "Merry Xmas" in December all the time, but I feel that Christmas has become a more secularized holiday than Easter. Easter is kind of the basis of Christianity: Jesus's death/resurrection on a cross. Attempts to secularize it are just lame, like the whole bunny & egg hunt thing, which come from the Pagan fertility traditions. And that's only cute when you're like 3-7 years old. It doesn't have the appeal (PRESENTS!!!11!ZOMG!) that Christmas does.

And if I were religious, there's a chance I could be non-Christian, maybe Jewish. No one is wishing me a "happy Passover".

I am annoyed that so many people operate under the assumption that this is a "Christian nation." Yeah, the majority of citizens are Christians, but there's a lot of OTHER religions here, as well as non-religious. I believe there's around 13% of us non-religious here, according to Bill Maher's movie, but fuck it I'm too tired to look up specifics. The point is that there is religious diversity in this country and people in the majority pretend they don't exist (cuz their's is the ONE TRUE RELIGION, amirite?)

People are entitled to believe whatever they want, but when they start pushing it on the general public, in the government, or basically assuming that everyone else believes the same stuff, it annoys me.

It's a matter of degrees. People wishing me a happy Easter? I have better things to get angry at. It just happened a lot the last two days, which triggered me to think about religion in American society. All these "faith-based" programs Obama's starting up (does separation of church and state mean anything anymore?) disturb me because I believe in a secular state and I'm scared at how this country is inching towards theocracy. It's scary because some of the more radical religious folk will contend that "God's law is above man's law" to justify their breaking secular laws and trying to cover their asses with the whole "freedom of religion" schtick (a.k.a. use secular law only when it is convenient for them). I believe a lot of religion is irrational (once you take away the universal ethical framework that involves peace, love, and respect for others that is included in most) and it bothers me that people try to use it to influence a secular system. It is disturbing and troubling because it scares me to think of the future. Too many people mistakenly assume that our country is a "Christian country" and should therefore abide by Christian rules. Start your own damn theocracy. Jeebus.

The HHS "consciousness clause" that allows Christians in health care to deny women contraception because it goes against their "beliefs," the Christian fertility doctors and psychologist who refused to treat lesbian patients because of their "beliefs," and the stupid anti-gay-marriage bigots (heard of the National Organization for Marriage Intolerance and Theocracy?) DO piss me off.

The fact that some people assume I'm "lost" or that they pity me because I don't buy into religion discomforts me. I just don't care for it and I don't feel the need to "find God." I just don't. At the end of the day, it won't change how I live my life. I attempt to live by ethical standards anyway. I will never really know what happens when I die because it's all faith. I don't feel spiritually needy, like I need to look outside of the tangible world for answers or peace. For me, there's no point to be religious or pursue any type of spiritual journey. I don't care, not a priority. And I don't think that I need to be looked down on for feeling what I do. WTF is "spiritual" supposed to mean anyway? That I meditate? That I connect with the divine? Inner peace? It's rather abstract anyway. I've found peace in the simple acceptance that I don't, and will never know the answers, at least as long as I'm alive.

I wonder what attracts so many people to religion. I think some of it has to do with the structure and order of it all. The rules are cut and dried, morality is black and white. Traditions continue. In the mess of life, it's nice to have an orderly system to explain everything to you. I also think that it helps people, especially in difficult circumstances, accept and endure their reality because it must be "God's will."

I had more to write but it's almost 6am and I'm dozing off. (I went out last night after a week of waking up at 4:30am for work.)

E.T.A.:
Also, I think that religion can feed the ego. If you follow the rules/believe in Christ as your savior/"reject sin"/etc. you can feel good about yourself and righteous knowing that you're better off spiritually than others. Believing that your religion is the truth and the others are false, that you're right and everyone else is wrong means that your ego and self-perception are invested in your religious identity, which makes people cling even more to their religion. This is why so many religious people are righteous and judgmental. This is an unintended function of religion, but a very real and annoying one nonetheless.

So I've been reading Lies My Teacher Told Me recently. It's kind of like Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States, revealing the ethnocentric biases and omission of uncomfortable truths in the dominant history curricula in this country.

This morning, my roommate asked me how the book was, and I said it was pretty good, just learning more about the biases of the way we're taught history, and how the most recent chapter was explaining the Eurocentric accounts of the encounters with European colonists and Native Americans. I mentioned how the language describing everything is biased itself; Europeans "discovered" the Americas (not the ancient peoples from Mongolia/Asia who ended up populating the continent), and they were the first "settlers" (not the natives, who at one point did "settle").

The content is carefully crafted to marginalize the Native American side of history, and sugarcoated so as not to offend the descendants of the Europeans. Evidence of previous explorations by Africans and Asians go ignored. The influence of the Iroquois in our democratic principles and government go unmentioned. So does the existence of triracial enclaves (Africans, Native Americans, and Europeans living together in peace), as that would prove it was possible to live in harmony had racism and greed not prevailed. History textbooks go great lengths to justify racists and make them heroes (see: Woodrow Wilson, a so-called "progressive" who brought segregation back to the govt, or the founding fathers who owned and raped their slaves). Wars that broke out with Native Americans are rarely mentioned, and when they are, the smaller ones are mentioned, with only the pretext of "chaos broke out" serving as an explanation. Tribes that were more like Europeans are not mentioned, lest the reader relate and sympathize with them. Native Americans are frozen at the time they first met Europeans, while Europeans are documented as progressing with time, developing new technologies. The truth is that Native Americans got with the times, changed their tribal structures to accommodate with the changing societal problems, adopted new technologies, and collaborated with Europeans. They weren't using bows and arrows after living with the colonists for a while.

But anyway, back to my story. I gave Jen a little bit of that info, the language bit, mostly. Then she responds, "yeah, it's so unfair. Kind of like how Native Americans refuse to pay taxes so now we're losing millions of dollars and people who work hard have to pay for them. Isn't that just giving them special treatment?"

*facepalm*

Way to totally miss the point. Here I am, talking about Eurocentrism, and the conversation has to shift to "What about us whites?! Look at how the Native Americans are screwing us over!" I'm talking about the injustices of history, but somehow she has to get defensive about the present. "I don't have one hair, one cell in my body that's prejudiced!" She cried.

Jesus, if there's anything that pisses me off to high hell (besides misogyny) are people who cry "reverse racism" when faced with dealing with the consequences of institutionalized racism.

I told her that I disagree, that society today is still dealing with the effects of CENTURIES of institutionalized racism (and still perpetuating it, but few people will admit to that). There are layers of privilege and oppression that affect our opportunities and treatment today because of what happened yesterday, mostly on account of shit we can't control or change, like arbitary phenotypes (race), genitals/gender identity (sex), family wealth and background (class), or sexual orientation, to name a few. People with more privilege want to ignore these facts because it makes them uncomfortable, and because it means having to give up a little bit of that privilege. Otherwise, how do you justify efforts to hold on to it? You can't, so you have to deny it. Or you can pretend we live in a meritocracy where everybody gets exactly what they deserve through their hard work. Nice try. Anyway, white privilege is not about material wealth, and people who get really defensive about it are missing the point.

That leads me to another fallacy in a common defense: "I worked hard for what I have, I wasn't given extra privileges JUST BECAUSE I'm white. I've been poor/lived in a trailer/had it tough!" Jen pulled this move, of course. And true enough, in her case, she worked 2 waitress jobs to put herself through college. Kudos for her (I'm not being sarcastic there). But using her personal anecdote to negate the existence of discrimination, disadvantaging traits, and institutionalized racism is absurd. Especially when you're white and you CANNOT speak for people of color, no matter how many "minority friends" you have or how "anti-racist" you are. Period. Yet that's what U.S. history textbooks teach us, and what other institutions perpetuate, the white point of view, almost exclusively.

When I was in middle/high school, I always wondered why we never learned about African history, African civilizations. Europe was the source of history until they colonized the Americas, and then the U.S. and Europe were the sources of history. People of color are always presented as the "other", only when they are interacting with white people.

To illustrate how privilege/disadvantage work, (I forgot where I originally read this metaphor, but it's useful) it's like certain groups of people have been getting a bigger slice of the pie for ages while others get smaller slices of the same pie. When measures are put into place to make sure that everyone's got equally sized slices, this means that those who have always had the bigger slices are going to be reluctant to lose some of that, and some will direct their anger at the people whose slices are getting bigger. "It's not MY fault that I have always been served the bigger slice, why are you trying to take it from me? What did I personally do to you?" will be the common response, instead of questioning why they were served a bigger slice in the first place. It's not giving "special" treatment to those who have always had smaller slices when they're given a slightly bigger slice; the "special" treatment has been there all along in giving one group an unjustifiably big slice.

So getting back to defining what white privilege is and isn't...being born into wealth is class privilege, not white privilege. But white people are more likely to have class privilege than non-whites. The book I'm reading is pointing out the particular privilege of historical bias, #7 on Peggy McIntosh's list of white privileges.

I gave Jen a quick example: "When a white person does something, it's not likely to be seen as representative of all white people. White people are seen as individuals, whereas non-whites are seen as monolithic entities. For example, if I do something different, people will ask if that's a Mexican thing, or people will ask me how Mexicans feel about a certain topic, like immigration." (true story)

"I guess I see what you're saying. But just from going to work, I know some people of color think certain things about me, I mean they don't say anything to me about it, you know, but I can tell. I can just tell," she said. I think she meant to express that she too is judged by the color of her skin?

I don't know what she was referring to about Native Americans and taxes, but it sounded like similar protests against affirmative action. I explained to her that because of injustices in the past, people don't start at the same point on the race track. Some start at a disadvantage, and what AA attempts to do is get those people up to speed so that the race is fair. She kept insisting that she had no privileges or special advantages, while I said that it's hard to see what advantages you have unless you lose them or have them challenged. It's like that saying, "you don't know what you have until you lose it" or something similar.

*sigh*

I cited examples of how white people are overwhelmingly the protagonists in TV (e.g. Friends, Sex and the City)and movies (some have a non-white sidekick that usually adheres to stereotypes of their group) and how white people are seen as the default human being, while everyone else is an 'other' and has to be labeled. White Americans are usually just referred to as "American" while everyone else has to be a hyphenated American.

"Well, yeah, because we're in this country. I would be considered different if we were in a different country."

WOW. I just can't make it obvious enough, can I? White 'America' isn't the only 'America.' Christ on a cracker. It's hopeless.

I don't willingly get into arguments with people who don't (and refuse to) get 'it', (don't ask me about the time a pro-life friend insisted having the abortion debate with me, using his biased and inaccurate sources) but I'm not the type to ignore such offensive ignorance.

The other day I found a satirical website that makes fun of ignorant and cluelessly offensive white people, titled Black People Love Us!

I like this "testimonial":
Sally's always saying: "You go girl!" while "raising the roof" to mainstream hip-hop tracks at cheesy bars. That's fun! I relate to that.

I saw a lot of that at my high school in Texas with the handful of Black kids that attended it.

It's not my intent to make white people feel "guilty" for having privilege, but I think it's something that people need to acknowledge and challenge in order to reach equality. It saddens me to think how younger generations are being indoctrinated in a biased and ethnocentric way, so that when they're adults, they're already thinking from an ignorant mindset unless they're exposed to alternative perspectives or experiences.

As a rule, I hate romantic comedies (also referred to with the slightly dismissive and sexist term "chick flicks"). Like with most rules, there are exceptions. But the main reason I hate this genre --apart from predictability, but that seems to transcend genres in movies churned out by the mainstream Hollywood mill -- is because they perpetuate oversimplified gender roles and gendered traits.

The target audience for this genre are young (white) women. (I feel that older women are rarely if ever targeted, and Tyler Perry rom-coms, which also rely heavily on stereotypes, seem to be the only ones targeting black women.) Yet the people who produce this crap are mainly white males. The people who make these movies are *assuming* that young women, by and large, mainly like happily ever after fairy-tale romance (Pretty Woman, Maid in Manhattan), falling in love with jerks we pretend to hate (The Ugly Truth), ugly duckling stories/you need to be pretty to be loved (She's All That, Princess Diaries, Miss Congeniality), shopping (Confessions of a Shopaholic), and weddings (Bride Wars, 27 Dresses) And in a way, having these targeted "chick" flicks, it's like saying as a woman you should be interested in these things. Hollywood isn't the only source of pre-packaged lifestyles for white het women, this shit is everywhere. You don't even have to look for it.

I recently watched He's Just Not that Into You (didn't really have a choice), and while watching the tired stereotype of the desperate gal that reads too much into everything a guy says and does to convince herself that he's "into" her. Maybe if the How-To-Be-a-Foot-Soldier-for-the-Patriarchy manuals Cosmo magazines that many impressionable young women read didn't teach them to obsess over MEN's pleasure, that caricature of the desperate single gal wouldn't exist in the first place!

Interestingly enough, many people decide to interpret this socially-constructed behavior as 'evidence' that women are just *naturally* emotionally volatile and insecure creatures. And men are just emotionless brutes looking for vaginas to poke. But lets totally ignore all the social pressures telling them to present themselves that way. Pfft.

Here's something I would really like to see. A movie titled She's Just Not That Into You. Our culture would like to have us believe that us women are at all times fully invested into attracting and pleasing men, and it would like for men to believe that deep down, women do want to have sex with them, even though they don't know it yet. I know that bullshit seeps into men's minds as well. It certainly explains all the entitled assholes I've come across with who seem utterly surprised, and personally insulted, that I don't want to talk to them, give them my number, go out on a date, smile at them, dress up for them, etc. Maybe they're purposefully harassing me, or perhaps they're socially inept. I don't care how they got like that, honestly. I've seen enough of these behaviors among guys to recognize a social pattern. "Nice guys"(TM) also suffer similar delusions. (You know, the guys who pretend that, sure, they just want to be your friend, but they drop everything for you in hopes that you will someday fall for them because they're so wonderful. Any guy you end up with who ISN'T them is automatically a "jerk," and when you fail to realize how perfect they are for you, you're an ungrateful bitch. XKCD offers a perfect illustration of this specimen.)

I want a movie that will pop these silly delusions like the bullshit bubbles they are. Like a movie with a Nice Guy (TM) that isn't sympathetic to his point of view, for once. It's not that women just are attracted to "bad boys" (another tired trope), it's just that a lot of us are turned off by the clingyness, spinelessness, and entitlement that Nice Guys (TM) reek of. Women don't owe you sex just because you listen to our problems.

I also want this movie to show how some men will completely ignore any verbal and visual cues that the woman they are approaching does NOT want their number/a date and that they need to stop pushing it.

And let's add a guy who doesn't do anything about his personal grooming and fitness, but feels that the universe owes him a supermodel girlfriend. I'd like for that guy to get a taste of his own medicine.

A woman of color (let's not have all white protagonists for a change! but let's also avoid the sassy black person from the 'hood stereotype) would play Justin Long's role--the blunt advice-giver that tells the most desperate character that they're making fools of themselves.

I'd also have a lesbian couple in the movie- to avoid normalizing hetero relationships exclusively, as well as to dismantle that MTV faux-lesbianism-for-male-titillation bull.

Hmm. I'd also put in a scene of that macho braggadocio of guys talking about all the "chicks" they've slept with, spliced with flashback scenes showing how they're full of bullshit.

And a jab at rape culture: trying to get a woman who is definitely NOT into you drunk in hopes of getting sex from her anyway makes you a creepy rapist. But no rape in this movie. I'm sick of being caught off-guard in a movie and triggered with an eroticized rape scene. The woman would get away, and the guy would trip and fall on something sharp. Or something.

Finally, I would like to add some strong female characters who don't tolerate misogynist jokes. Like a scene with a douchebag telling blonde jokes in front of his blonde date (who also happens to be a lawyer). She will get up and leave. Not in a melodramatic way, but in a simple presentation of a mature adult choosing to ignore an immature boy. Boycott stupidity, ditch the dodo.

Alas, we will never see such a movie. That would be too insulting to men - I can see the protests already: "you feminists just hate men! you're just angry/jealous that you can't have the privilege to worship our phalluses get laid/get a boyfriend, etc."

Yet women deal with this insulting crap everyday and we're expected to swallow it without complaint.

I've had it with generic advice and this job hunt. I know people mean well, but honestly, if I hear any bullshit about "have a positive attitude" and "don't be disappointed if you don't get your dream job" I'm going to scream!!!

I've heard it all before and that shit isn't helping. Unless you can actually recommend me to someone who's hiring, give me some specific (read: not generic) and helpful tips, or get me some useful connections, keep your trap shut and don't offer generic, bullshit advice.

To suggest that I'm just sitting here twiddling my thumbs and expecting my dream job to fall out of the sky onto my lap is quite insulting.

Yes, I went to a career center.
Yes, I have tailored my résumé for every job I apply for.
Yes, I've looked on craigslist, my university's career database, individual company websites, and career builder.
Yes, I've asked my professors for connections.
Yes, I checked on the city and county govt websites and I don't qualify for any of the jobs listed there.
No, I don't want to become a Spanish teacher. Plus, I'd need a teaching certificate for that anyway.


So kindly keep your generic, half-assed, Hallmark-card advice to yourself.

P.S.
Don't bother judging my relationship with my parents either. You haven't been there, so STFU. K thx bye

I am fucking pissed off at my parents. I'm still unemployed and they're giving me shit about it. EVERY FUCKING TIME they call me on the phone, they tell me that I need to "broaden my horizons" and "be flexible." If they keep this up, I'm not going to answer the phone when they call.

Now they're comparing to my brother and sister. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

I told them to stop comparing us, that we're different. That my siblings live in places where life is cheaper and that they've had cars for FUCKING YEARS!! Excuse me, but that makes it WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY easier to find a job in the first FUCKING PLACE. They denied the difference. "How is it different? We're wasting money to get you a car!!"

Nice to know that it's a "waste" of money to give me something essential to independence, but not to my brother or sister.

Hey, here's some Parenting 101: Don't compare your kids to each other. They hate it and they will resent you for it. Guaranteed.

It's not like I'm not trying, not applying, not looking.

I have no fucking experience in anything. Fresh out of college, too poor to have done internships during school. A little retail and office experience, that's it. I type at a lousy 50wpm so I wouldn't even make a good receptionist.

And I sure as hell don't want to move back to Texas. EVER. I'd rather kill myself, and I sure as FUCK am not kidding.

SWOON!

Yeah, if my phone rang while Rodrigo Santoro was making out with me, I'd turn off the thing... scratch that, it would be off before he even made it to my room.

Crazy dreams, continued...

PART I:

I am crossing a bunch of divided lanes on a highway with a girl friend. The cars are coming too fast in the last lanes, so we decide to take a taxi. We are in Ecuador. Our destination was not far, and I find myself counting coins in the backseat. I start to think, "Oh, crap, it's all American money." Then it hits me that Ecuador uses American currency now, and I give the driver my coins.

PART II:

I wake up in a house and tell my family about my dream of being in Ecuador and riding a taxi. I go to the fridge and eat some strawberries. My dad has some temper issue. I throw the rest of my food away (mini white bread slices, date jelly, cheese, and I think a marshmellow) and go back to my room.

PART III:

I walk down to a plaza by a trolley stop and there is an Arabic music festival. I am in San Diego. I walk through the dancers, the booths with beautiful scarves and belly dancing garb on sale, a booth selling Putumayo CDs of Latin-Arabian music. I walk on a grassy hill and see a guy I recognized (from a previous dream?). Apparently we had met once on that same spot before and then become friends on facebook. He knew my full name. Suddenly, I was in my underwear (black bikini that said "I love kissing") but with my green wool sweater I actually own (bought it in Ecuador). We talked for a while, then he walked me to the trolley stop. I guess we got distracted, because we ended up at a construction site. He was holding me close and there was definitely some sexual tension. All of the sudden, we meet up with a girl friend of mine named Dawn, who looks like a cross between Jewel and Renee Zellweger. We walk by the highway and between trolley tracks. The trolley is quick like a train; not the 35mph one that exists in real life. I feel relief at Dawn's presence, hoping that the dude will fall for her instead.

PART VI:

The dude from the grass is named Stephen. We have a talk show with 4 other girls and 4 other guys. One of the guys proposes to one of the girls with an antique ring. Stephen looks at me. It's been six months since we met again at that Arabic music fest. I think Mark is one of the guys in the talk show, but I can't be sure. During one of the filming sessions, one of the guys makes an offensive joke about one of the girls, about her being Puerto Rican or something. Stephen keeps looking at me, expecting me to laugh. I don't. He goes outside with the jerk, and the show goes on. He comes back, and he looks at me like he's hurt.

Next scene I'm in the group bathroom with Stephen and one of the girls from the show. When she leaves, he confronts me: "Why did you tell me you were gay? You lied to me." Apparently that's what the other guy in the show had told him when they went outside.
I told him I had no recollection of telling him such a thing, I felt like I had been hit in the head by a rock and I had forgotten the past 6 months. If I had told him I was gay, it was probably because I was afraid of him getting attached to me romantically, and because when I tell guys I already have a boyfriend, it doesn't stop them. Stephen didn't give me a chance to explain and stormed out of the bathroom.


Dude, why do my dreams keep getting cockblocked?

Last night I had an interesting dream.

I dreamt that I was living in Ecuador with family (not family from real life, but dream family). We got constant threats by skinheads and I think they attacked us once and shot someone. I had a constant fear or being killed and/or raped by the terrorizing skinheads who hated Mexicans. I think I had a boyfriend/crush (also not from real life) in the village where I lived. He shared a room with another guy and his girlfriend (?) with no doors, just purple sheets.

We were making out on his bed, things were getting hot and heavy, and I whispered in his ear asking if he had condoms. He said he didn't, so I said I would be right back with some from my place. He shook his head. He said he couldn't, and held his mini-crucifix necklace up to me. "I'm Catholic," he said, "I don't want to go that far."

Man, total buzz-kill! Still, I respected his choice and we just ended up snuggling. It felt nice to be inside a man's warm embrace.

Then the sun came up and I realized we had spent the whole night together. It was my first worry-free night where I had felt safe from the skinheads. Just knowing that felt really nice.

I went to some place in the village for breakfast, where there were baskets of guavas and mangoes. One of the girls I had met in Ecuador from my service-learning group (Carly) was there, making big fluffy pancakes. It had rained the night before, and I was dancing on the slippery floor with flip flops and people were singing.

Any interpretations?

So far the only one I've come up with is that I really need to get laid. LOL.